Any writers out there???

So you love to write your blog?/ how about writing short stories..or just come along and post your blog on my forum!

http://lisalangmeadwriting.lefora.com/

have a chat in the coffee house or just tell me about your blog its up to you..see u there xx

my new website

hey there and a big sorry for not updating here but have been working so hard on my website..on there you will find 2 free ebooks to download..one funny (tina merrien) about 21000 words and the other a short story under 2000 really dark one.

hope you love it! let me know ur feedback in curtain call xx

http://www.lisalangmead.com/

lisa langmead x

18 VS NOW!

How my life HAS changed! I was thinking today about all the things i USED to get up to when i had no ties and MY life was ANYTHING i wanted it to be. So OK how much has it changed i ASKED myself? Well lets look and find out..........

Me at 18 v Me Now

Drinking cider in the street

Drinking chardonnay then the whole street talking about my drinking

Wearing tight jeans...... looking like a hot mama

lying on the bed to put on the jeans then the muffin top mocks me as i look at myself in the mirror then getting a hot flush

Waking up at midday

Waking up at 6 looking like death came for me then left too embarrassed to take me with him

Thinking i would get pregnant if someone kissed me

Getting pregnant as soon as my husband kisses me

Worrying if my curly perm had enough mouse in it

Trying to force my LADY GARDEN perm into my jeans and trying to stop it growing down my legs

Wearing only mascara and lip gloss

Wearing mascara and lip gloss to bed so my husband wont leave me

Doing the splits

Dreaming of just being able to bed down and touch my toes

Laughing uncontrollably at everything

Uncontrollably weeing a bit when i laugh

Wanting to be older

Wanting to be younger

Saying what i thought

Thinking what to say two days after i should have said it

Getting embarrassed when needing a poo

Hoping i can go for a poo ANYWHERE without the constant need for pills or yogurts

Thinking grey hairs are for Granny's

Having grey hair like my granny

Plucking only my eyebrows

Plucking every orifice i have...... no joke

Saying 'its just not fair'

Saying 'Don't you treat this place like a hotel'

Oh the MEMORIES! Hope you guys can gracefully grow old.......TTFN my darlings...have you done something different? you look amazing x

What type of customer are you?

Hello my darlings in blog land........

A few moons ago i was a travel agent (for ten years) how the years pass! before i became the lady i am today i saw many wondrous SIGHTS....the things i saw astounded even me at times. The Job taught me lessons, made me think about the world and even left me wanting to kill the public. But over the years i have noted every person falls into a FEW different types of customer so my question to you is.........which one are you?

The hopper
OK this one is only mildly annoying but annoying all the same. Us girls were very busy chatting in the office when in comes a customer he (they are generally men) looks at us (6 girls) all sitting there looking like we are not doing anything (note: we have to LOOK up at you and acknowledge you, we would rather ignore you)

anyway the hopper proceeds to jump about like a madman from one foot to the NEXT shouting ' who wants me then?....Ive got the PICK here.....' and other annoying comments.

we all just stare open mouthed as we have seen the Hopper many times but they still shock us as seeing a grown man hop can do to you. We then all put our HEADS down and try to ignore the Hopper before he realises he just has to choose someone.

Hoppers please we have seen this many times just pick one of us we all have the same offers.

The under cover agent
The most annoying customer that ever was and they HUNT in twos. When i asked (have you had any other quotes?) they automatically look at each other, go red then say no. OK so what are the 20 bits of paper poking out from Ur BAG then Mrs? or if its the man spy he leaves the quotes in the car! right so i know they are lying but hey ho lets get on with it.

half an hour of searching for a holiday i find something perfect i give them the price. They suddenly jump up and down producing their quote saying ' ha got you Ive got it five pounds cheaper!'

right OK you nutter i can beat that deal i could have beaten that deal HALF an hour ago but hey if you wanna waste your time that's fine with me!...freak sit down.

under cover agents please just get those quotes out, there are millions of holidays out there if you have found one let us just get you a great price and stop wasting our time and urs.


The joker
slightly like a Hopper but MORE annoying! yes the joker always comes in with a long suffering partner in crime (husband, wife or friend) they look at you from across the desk beaming.

'take a seat i say' they reply ' where should i take it' at this point the whole office sighs cause we know we have a joker. BLOODY HELL WHY ME? Jane over theres husbands just left her go and cheer her up.....

So it continues.....'how much would you like to spend?' reply 'nothing! ha ha no wait five pound!' this is always followed by an annoying LAUGH. if you look at the secondary person they are with they are usually cringing just as much as you are. the good thing about jokers is they normally calm down within ten minutes (the trick to it is don't laugh it fuels them)

Jokers please Ur not funny and we've heard it before.

Defensive/indecisive/paranoid
how the HELL these types of people live among us i will never know....here is how the convo will go....

me: what kind of accommodation would you like?
them: don't know
me: how much would you spend?
them: not sure yet
me: what about Cyprus?
Them: yeah i suppose
Me: DO YOU WANT A FUCKING HOLIDAY OR ARE YOU JUST BORED AND WANT TO WASTE MY TIME YOU INDECISIVE DEFENSIVE PARANOID IDIOT?
Them: not sure....

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

D/I/P we are not trying to trick you into going anywhere we just need to ask these questions to find out what you need from Ur holiday i could be searching for something you could never afford in a month of Sundays just bloody well grow some balls and make a decision.

The oh look a travel agent lets go in
My personal pet hate is these ones, happy to waste Ur time looking at holidays from the UK right round to Australia with a stop over in outer Mongolia with a bit of pony trekking on the side. then they say got anything else? what? Ive been sitting here for an hour Ive got a whole fucking brochure full love now bugger off read it then tell me where you want to go you bloody time wasters!

Oh look a travel agent people please I'm not saying look at every brochure but at least get a bloody idea of where you want to go before you come in?

gosh my fingers ache and there are more! ha ha OK that's part 1 i shall share more next time ttfn xx

Been away.....

Hello faithful followers!

I have been away but now i am back with tales of a life which is nothing short of just plain and sexy perfect! Now the Easter holidays have been tough for me as the NANNY has left (why when i mention how smelly someone is they get all offended?) and i have to do everything MYSELF round here but the kids are still alive as is the dog (my husband is away on business honest) i say as i stamp down on the freshly laid patio OUT the back!

Well it all started off very nicely, the kids played together and we laughed and joked all day like a scene from Mary POPPINS except i am far more glamorous and can actually sing better. The next day i woke to something i have not seen since i was 15, i felt a PAIN on my face. I ran to the mirror and saw to my disbelief ........a spot. But the day was about to become worse, my eyes were drawn up to my hair and i noticed the mother of all GREY hairs!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I'm getting spots like a bloody teenager and grey hairs like a FLAMING granny! why would my body do this to me? i treat it like a temple i adore it i feed it good food, i do not smoke and i take vitamins and buff it twice a day (sometimes four but that's pleasure rather than business!) so why WOULD it turn on me like this?

I felt like cutting my nose off to SPITE my face! ha ha (don't worry i didn't my nose cost my husband £2000 he wouldn't be pleased if i cut it off)

Then i realised, it was STRESS. My little angels are secretly sucking my youth right from my beautiful skin. So for the next two weeks i laughed every time the kids spilt fruit SHOOT juice on the Persian rug or defaced MY paintings with crayons. By the end i was quite serene (but with a house that looked like i should just burn it and build again!)

i have looked in the mirror after two weeks of being Mary Poppins, far more glamorous younger sister with bigger boobs and better nose....but wait...what is this? a small mark around my mouth....WHAT THE HELL...Ive got the beginnings of laughter lines?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY i have decided this week i am going to church 3 times a month instead of just the ONCE i need all the help i can get to get rid of these horrible lines spreading all over my face. i need botox now! and if i pray hard enough god might just help out with my husbands bonus so i can get it! (i also pray for the less fortunate such as people without style or horrible skin etc)

I have hired another NANNY she is so ugly (perfect) don't want hubby running off with her! she has loads of armpit hair which is great as my kids have no rope swing in the garden, my face has calmed down no more spots and i have not used any expressions for a week so i think Ive cracked it now. (not my face the situation)

right my dears remember to always FEED the birds tuppence a bag and a spoonful of sugar helps the whiskey go down and that old classic when Ur dads a banker get him to fly a kite!

lots of love ttfn xx

housewife on shopping

Shopping is one of my MANY pass times, i love to shop but there have been times when the shopping experience has been ruined. The tale i am ABOUT to tell you happened a few years ago when my eldest boy was around 2.............

It was a beautiful day the SUN was shinning and we all thought 'lets go shopping!' what a mistake....we were shopping for ME (as usual) and i wanted a brand new ring so off we popped.

We arrived at the car pack with EASE, there were lots of spaces and we laughed and joked all the way to the shops. My little boy said he needed the toilet (great i thought) he hasn't just WEED all over the pushchair as usual. So my husband took him to the nearby public toilets.

I was in HEAVEN looking at the shiny rings, trying them on and watching them sparkle. I glanced at my watch my husband and little BOY were taking ages in the toilet so i wandered outside to see what was happening. What i saw next still HAUNTS me to this day.

My husband was storming up to me with the biggest HAIR i had ever seen. His hair was somehow becoming bigger and fluffier by the second. By the time he had actually reached ME i wondered if he had actually the whole group of the JACKSON five hidden in his Barnett.

My husband explained what had happened....he was in a cubicle letting my son do his business when he felt something WET on his neck, the sensation was odd but he carried on helping my little boy. Then he felt water roll DOWN his back. Someone was throwing water over the cubicle door. He ran out to see what was happening to be confronted by an enormous SPLAT of water to the face and hair area. YOUNG boys were having a water fight. My husband gave them a good telling off but the damage had been DONE, the gel my husband wears to control his frizz had been washed away and his fluffy chick hair was mixing with the air and becoming bigger.

We had to go HOME, he could not be seen out in public with this hair as the police might have stopped him entering shops for FEAR of him hiding goods in the thicket.

We returned to the car park and i managed to SQUEEZE into the car beside his massive hair. We opened the windows to give his head more room as we started off for home. My little boy shouted he needed to finish off his wee as he had been interrupted BEFORE so we re parked and my husband got out and let him wee just by the car as he was desperate. My husband had the car park ticket in his POCKET.

As my husband got in to the car i asked him if he still had the car park ticket to let us out. He felt inside his pocket but it HAD vanished!...we searched and searched for that ticket for at least 20 MINUTES. We had already paid and we were getting stressed. My husbands hair WAS threatening to take over the world and we needed to get home asap. My husband shouted from across the car park that he had found it but to my DISGUST he came back with a sodden smelly wet ticket as my little boy must have PEED on it as it fell out of big hairs pocket.

Carrying the offending ticket in his HAND we pulled up to the barrier to put it in. My husband shoved it in the machine but it said TIME LAPSED! oh no! we had spent far too long looking for it, that it had expired!........

A voice came onto the speaker 'what is the problem?' i got out of the car and SPOKE into the machine telling the sorry tale to the machine. The cars behind us were getting impatient as they beeped their HORNS and gave me the finger. I tried to explain to the angry drivers about the wee incident..but their gestures were becoming unbearable.

My husband raised his fluffy head out of the Car and looked sternly at the DRIVERS, they shut the hell up obviously thinking that with hair that big he must either A) be a nutter or B) be hard as nails.

Eventually the barrier went up and we were on our way HOME, we were all so stressed (i had no ring!) and the shear weight of my husbands hair was slowly suffocating me but we made it home and vowed never to go shopping again (till the week later!)

ok ttfn my dears let me know if you had similar incidents!

xx

Stupid things to say.......

Right this is VERY difficult for me as it has taken me YEARS to become the sophisticated lady i am today. I have MADE mistakes but as long as you learn FROM them then your OK in my BOOK. Here are the things i said and i promise you they are true (much to my regret) please think before you speak as many things have terrible consequences.......



TO MY HUSBANDS BOSS

Yeah he works so hard but he hates what hes doing at the minute, he wants to look for something else.



Yes he has got such a strange sex face....he looks all weird when he cums.



His boxers are full of skids I'm sick of washing the nasty things.



TO MY VICAR

Oh my god...... oops Jesus Christ..sorry i didn't mean to say that.



Yes my husband is away a lot but at least i don't have to have sex with him as much!



TO A POLICEMAN

Can i just nick your pen?....i don't mean nick i will give it you back, sorry its the uniform i feel like I'm growing drugs in the garden or something. ermmm I'm not you can check...sorry i will shut up now...yes you can look around.



TO A NURSERY SCHOOL TEACHER

Don't worry about her biting...my rule is if she bites like a dog she lives in the garage (joke...why are you calling social services?)



TO CHILDREN THROWING A BALL TO EACH OTHER

Ahhhh bless arnt you guys tossing so nicely together



TO MY NEIGHBOUR

Does this oral medicine i give your cat need to be put up its bum?



TO MY HUSBAND

Is the capital of Japan china?



Do you have to drive through Scotland to get to wales?



Does someone operate every traffic light or do they have a few to do?



My dad said the fuse has gone on the dishwasher will it just be cheaper to buy a new dishwasher rather than pay out for a fuse?



Why is this charity NI taking my money without my say so?



There are just a few samples of the things i said BEFORE i became the PERFECT housewife...I'm sure you guys have some corkers...time to share!



TTFN xxxxxxxxxx